


Dungeons and Dragons (and Twinks!)

by I_Will_Survive



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King, Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23747329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Will_Survive/pseuds/I_Will_Survive
Summary: Mike Wheeler just wanted to play a nice, chill game of DnD with his friends. Sure, his dicktwitch cousin Richie Tozier being in town with his friends at Uncle Went's house was annoying. And sure, Mike didn't HATE Richie and all of his friends.He just hated Richie.Which is why Richie and Will AGGRESSIVELY FLIRTING during DnD is NOT a part of his plan to play a nice, chill game of DnD.
Relationships: Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Will Byers/Eddie Kaspbrak, Will Byers/Mike Wheeler, Will Byers/Richie Tozier/Mike Wheeler
Comments: 7
Kudos: 31





	1. "Will is Too Flirty"

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you to @thelesbianspoon on Tumblr for helping me as @guybrowsonfleek come up with so much of the content of this story!
> 
> To be honest, this fic is going to be straight up, inter-fandom gay crack. Will is a sexy elf. Eddie is a ghostly spriteling. Richie is a (sex) God. Dustin is a drunk Scottish dwarf. Lucas, god bless him for Mike's sake, is a chill gunslinger. Bev, Robin, and Max are just chillin' out, drinkin' some pineapple juice (they're the cool lesbians, y'know).
> 
> And Steve doesn't know why he's there. As a sexy pirate.
> 
> What could go wrong?

"STOP TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY MONSTER!" Mike Wheeler screamed, throwing a glob of flaming hot Cheetos at his cockwaffle cousin, Richie Tozier.

"I'LL STOP WHEN YOU STOP TRYING TO KILL ME!" Richie quipped.

Mike hated being a Dungeon Master when Richie was around. Instead of spending eight hours a day "subtly" flirting with Will, he had to deal with his cousin ruining everything.

"THEN STOP MAKING YOUR CHARACTER SCREAM THAT HE'S GOD!" Mike facepalmed.

"HE IS GOD! A SEX GOD! THAT'S THE TOTAL POINT!"

"Ay, mates! Wud ja stoppit na!" Dustin slurred together. The drunk, Scottish? dwarf may have been taking the "method-acting" he was doing too seriously. He'd had three shots, four beers, and a martini Will INSISTED on practicing for him.

"Okay, Dustin's right guys," Stan said, struggling out of Bill's arms for a second to move his character's gamepiece forward. "Let's get back to the story."

"The sexy accountant is right," Will agreed, winking at Stan. Bill just smirks at them both, loving the thought of Will riling up his lovably uptight boyfriend. Stan blushes, muttering something about oxymorons cutely.

"Let's head into that tavern!" Bill nods. "They'll probably have someone who can help us figure out what El's talisman means!"

Richie shouted back: "El went all of Season 3 without any good character development, she can wait a bit longer!"

"Valid," El sighed, depressed that her character would be reduced to a host of 80s pop-female tropes. "But we should head into the pub anyhow. Let the story go on, y'know?"

"Right!" Mike picked the plotline up, not wanting Richie to drag it out any further. "And so, our admittedly large party of magical twinks enters into the bar."

"I grab El's talisman necklace, and I hold up me hand," Dustin slurred, slipping into a distinctly Scottish accent, "n I say to de mates, 'Right now, what's all this den, eh mate?" I dehnt trust de bartenda' when he start talkin' in code to his wee pal about us, you got suhin' to say say it to ma face ya prick."

"You tryna say sum'thin' to mae?" Eddie, the small, ghostly sprite of a bartender, slurred back at the dwarf. "I'll kick your ass, dwarfy!"

"Who're you callin' dwarfy, Eddie?" Richie snorts.

"Beep beep, bitch."

"Alright now, Mr. um... Sex God Wizard?" Will mumbled, sliding closer to Richie. MUCH closer to Richie than Mike was comfortable.

"That's DOCTOR Sex God Wizard, hotstuff," Richie smirks, winking at Will. Eddie smiles maniacally, about to go feral if Will tries anything on his man.

Will blushes, readying the voice of his sexy Elf, "Well now, Doctor, you wouldn't wanna upset that sweet little bartender over there. It'll just take longer for us, y'know? Less time later for just you and me..."

"Mmh," Richie purrs, "hubba hubba."

Mike reached out, lightly slapping Richie away from Will. "I told you not to flirt with my man, Richie." 

Richie smacked Mike back, harder this time, straight in the kisser, and Richie got up to his seat. "Who said it was ME flirting with YOUR man, huh?"

"Yeah!" Will smirked, wrapping his arm around Richie. Mike was not happy. But Eddie? Eddie looked like he was going to eat a fucking cow. The kid looked like a clean-freak raccoon finally gone rabid. 

Will draped himself further over Richie, loving the attention as the Cool Lesbians in the corner cheered him on. Ben looked nervous. Stan looked smug, as chaos made him oddly happy when it came at Mike Wheeler's expense.

Will cooed in Richie's ear, "I mean, when this big guy's character IS a Doctor of Sex Godology... who could blame a mere elf boy like me? I'm just seeing if he could, y'know, teach me some new things..." Will grinned wickedly, sliding his hands over a desperate Richie.

"BEEP BEEP, ZOMBIE BOY!" Eddie jumped up, slamming his fists on the table. "Here's what we'll do, Artsy Elf! I challenge you, by the Ancient Code of Twink Law, to a Duel of the Twinks!!!"

Everyone gasped. A Duel of the Twinks? This was serious.

Last time a duel of the twinks commenced, Richie ended up duck-taped out in Castle Byers naked with jelly all over his chest. 

"Oh my sex God, dude," Richie beamed. "Eddie and Will are fighting over me!"

Richie Tozier got up onto his chair and started to shout: "TWINK WAR!!! TWINK WAR!!! TWIIIIIIIIIIIINK WAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!"

The lesbians began chanting "Twink War! Twink War!" steadily behind him.

Mike Wheeler facepalmed. Only THIS is what happens when Richie Tozier brought his friends to town. 


	2. "The Twinkening"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Byers didn't know what he was getting into when Eddie Kaspbrak challenged him to a "Duel of the Twinks." The kid, standing at a not-so-very-tall height of "stump-like," didn't seem like he'd be much of a threat.
> 
> Of course, in a "Duel of the Twinks," no one could be sure WHO would snatch the crown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some fucking reason, people want more chapters? Well, being willing to create travesties for popularity (as always), I am HERE to deliver! <:)
> 
> Super in-character Robin Buckley by the way. Enjoy!

In hindsight, it really didn't take a lot for Richie Tozier to gather the entirety of the town into the "Twinkly Thunderdome" the next morning. Sure, he needed to spend the entire night rebuilding the "Twinkly Thunderdome" out by the quarry after it was destroyed during the last twink battle. But, his excellent team of lesbian warriors (Bev, Max, and Robin) helped him make quick work of it.

Of course, he needed to convince Eddie's mom and Will's mom to let their sons fight to the death.

As per usual, Sonia Kaspbrak can go fuck herself, so that issue kinda resolved itself.

Joyce Byers, though, was a bit more reticent to let her son (the tiny baby one) throw himself into a gladiator match for his twink glory. That is, until Richie Tozier informed her that Eddie Kaspbrak was Will's challenger.

"Eddie?" Joyce laughed, startled. "The tiny angry raccoon with Purell and an arm cast?"

"Yeah, the babe himself," Richie smirked.

"Well," Joyce mulled it over. "If Will can't beat that skinny twink into a pulp, he's not worthy to be a son of mine. I'm too badass for that."

"Agreed."

And so, Joyce consented to Will entering the "Twinkly Thunderdome."

The rest was easy. Richie and his Squad of Lesbian Valkyries descended onto the town the next morning, plastering every available site with a poster declaring the upcoming battle. It was 10am when everyone in the town, homeless person and politician alike, gathered in the natural amphitheater of the quarry to watch whatever the fuck was going on.

Robin descended into the ring, clad in her Scoops Ahoy uniform, as Steve "the Hair" Harrington stood at the edge of the ring in his unform (adjusted, somehow, to make him look even more slutty) with a croptop and blue booty shorts.

Robin held up a blue whistle and blew hard into it, piercing through the crowd. "Okay, listen up losers!"

"In this corner, we have Will Byers!" she screamed, gesturing to the Smol Artsy Gay in the eastward corner. "Weighing in at 94.6 pounds soaking wet with the bone-structure of a Siberian ballerina! Byers is DETERMINED to BRING the PAIN!"

Will emerged in only a pair of blue booty shorts, and the audience began cheering for him. Pennywise and the Demogorgon, holding hands like a cute couple in the crowd, cheered especially loudly for him. Pennywise started munching up his popcorn, freaking out the Hawkins Police Department sitting beneath him.

Robin blew her whistle again, silencing the crowd.

"And, in the westward corner! The Challenger! Eddie Kaspbrak! Weighing in at, I dunno, maybe twenty pounds! Lookin' like a stumpy twink champ! Kaspbrak has challenged Byers in this ANCIENT duel for the hand of their mutual lover! This asshole!"

Robin darted over to the crowd, holding up Richie's hand.

Richie waved at everyone. "Hahaha. Hi."

Robin threw his hand back into the crowd.

"And now," Robin began, "the challenge will be... a Reading Challenge! Whichsoever twink can use verbal prowess to deepdick the other's self-esteem shall emerge victorious!"

The two twinks ran (poorly) into the ring, hunching over one another in the center, feeling each other out.

"You..." Will started. "You look like a sexy chipmunk baby!"

"You're such a terrible bottom," Eddie started. "The only dick you can take is Mike's! That's like a nightly suppository pill!"

Richie snorted from the audience. "Hyeh! True!"

"Shut up, dick," Mike sighed.

"A suppository pill?! Oh, that's rich, coming from you," Will jabbed back. "You're a healthnut who fell in love with a Sewer-baby with Glasses."

"HE HAS A SLIGHT ASTIGMATISM, YOU BITCH!" Eddie screamed, running straight into Will and wrestling him to the ground.

The crowd chanting "Twink War" in the background (Joyce Byers shouting "Twink War" the loudest of all), the two twinks wrestled one another. At one point, Eddie would be on bottom. At another, Will would be on top. Neither of them being Tops, it was difficult for either of them to give up the position of bottom (even in the case of wrestling). 

At a certain point though, Will had Eddie pinned.

"Eddie! You!..."

"C'mon, twinky boy. I can take it," Eddie baited.

"Eddie!" Will began. "You smell! Uh. Really nice, actually. Wow. And your dumb eyes! Are. Um. Kinda pretty."

"What the fuck?!" Mike screamed.

Will crashed his lips onto Eddie Kaspbrak, and the smaller boy kissed desperately back, wrapping his strong young legs around the gorgeous young artist. The crowd erupted in applause, Pennywise and Joyce crushing beer cans on one anothers' heads in celebratory reverie. Mike Wheeler, the only one not joining into the orgiastic joy, huffed. 

Fucking Richie Tozier ruins everything. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading! Please leave kudos, subscribe, and comment below more DnD (and other) crack scenes you'd like to see in later chapters!


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